Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Oh. My. God.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.