Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
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Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.