Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
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[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth鈥檚 legos
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my r茅sum茅 to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
“You want me to do what?!”馃ぃ
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Meme Monday.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?