satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
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Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.