I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
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7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH