8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
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My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
sistine chapel
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*