Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
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I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I’m putting together a team
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night