I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
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I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.