confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I…do not understand how electricity works.