Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
You Might Also Like
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.