You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
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Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I’ve had worse
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”