Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076