Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
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My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
asked my bf how work was today
My favorite female superhero
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and