[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
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Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*