Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
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If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?