The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
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Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My Guy
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move