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Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The biggest mystery of our time
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.