Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.