Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
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she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Childbirth is so beautiful
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie