Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
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“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*