In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
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“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.