if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
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Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.