When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
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Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6