*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
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When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?