My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Expect the unexporcupine.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.