Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
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How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.