Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Love is in the air fryer.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question