I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
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Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
🖤✌🏽
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Lmaoo 😂
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.