I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
You Might Also Like
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Does beer think about me too?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)