Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
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My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
channeling her this year
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?