Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
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kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.