I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.