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Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”