You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
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Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine