I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
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I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two