Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
You Might Also Like
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Flock of bats
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.