My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
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I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark