TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
You Might Also Like
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir