*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
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cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
m’lady
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.