[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
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To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Happy Thanksgiving
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.