Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
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Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.