[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
The only equipped I am is ill.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship