bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
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Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.