Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
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My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.