[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
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Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
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