16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
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Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.