Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
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Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then