asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
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surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Canadian owl: Eh?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!