Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
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what
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Intelligence is the new cleavage
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Autocorrect is my menesis
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that