I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
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side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha